Finding Faith in the Faithful One

Journal Entry
10/31/12

"[ ...] Held in the arms of love... This was the image and words that God gave me as assurance that he had and would continue to sustain me while I was praying and listening to Great Is Thy Faithfulness on the eve of Friday. He did - sustain me. And now as I sit in shock with a heavy heart, the words "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow" seem even more applicable. I just learned that Greg is about to enter hospice care and has been told he has weeks to live. Somehow I naively thought, or rather hoped, that this 5th battle would be no different than the others, that he would emerge alive, a stronger, more faith filled man of God, overflowing with zest for life. I want to have faith that moves mountains like the woman who touched Jesus's garment and was healed through her faith in God's love and inconceivable power. Instead, I find myself pondering questions and crying out for God's mercy all the while believing that science and human logic will prevail. Is praying "thy will be done" a halfhearted faithless act? Is it resigning myself to sit and watch rather than railing at the gates of heaven for change? Where is my faith? Oh God, that you would grant me a mustard seed."

 I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to here' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. -  Matthew 17:20 

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

The Priceless Mark

I recently found myself spending a large amount of time over the course of a few days with a few individuals, which left me emotionally depleted. It wasn't so much that I'm an introvert and was unable to have my alone time to re-charge, but rather the content of that time. Don't get me wrong, I like these people and could easily list off their positive characteristics, but the effect of our time together warrants reflection. The conversation that occurred with these said people did two things. It caused exhaustion due to it's superficial and circular nature and caused me to start feeling like I was somehow very, very different than the bulk of my peers and thus somewhat isolated. I was reminded of what is "normal" for people my age, American society as a whole and realized how unaccustomed to it I have become through the distance that has grown as I've buried myself in my school work, keeping up with  my boyfriend, friends and the day to day necessities of life. What I was immersed in over the course of those days was nothing new, but it struck me in a  fresh way. My distance from it all had caused the polarity to become more vibrant and visible.

Then, what inevitably seems to happen to many people happened to me. There was a sense of weariness and a bit of questioning about the path I am on and just how straight and narrow the path must be. It wasn't as if the wider path with lollipops and cotton candy was more attractive compared to the path with fresh lilacs and crisp, clean air. It was the quiet rumblings of questions as they called forth thoughts about intentionality and just how important it was to not waver to the left or right for even a minute. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort to not just live your life and aimlessly wander off the path.

What followed next was the realization that I am very glad I am an abberant person. As I listened and reflected, I realized just how lonely and empty these people were-how they were grasping, searching for the intangible through the tangible and how time after time they failed, left with scars. And then sympathy seeped in. How do you entreat someone to join you on  the hard, but beautiful path when you know their eyes have been blinded, their minds confused and you will only be rebuffed?

Fast forward a few hours and I am sitting in church listening to a sermon in which my pastor makes a very applicable point. Rev. 13 contains the famous passage about the number 666 or mark of the beast, but what follows immediately in Revelation 14 is information about the juxtaposing mark - the mark of God on his people. We were challenged to live as one marked by God on our hand and forehead- by our deeds and thoughts. The path before me is good and I praise God that I am marked with the priceless mark for eternity.

Then I looked, and behold, on Mount Zion stood the Lamb, and with him 144,000 who had his name and his Father's name written on their foreheads. And I heard a voice from heaven like the roar of many waters and like the sound of loud thunder. The voice I heard was like the sound of harpists playing on their harps, and they were singing a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and before the elders. No one could learn that song except the 144,000 who had been redeemed from the earth. It is these who have not defiled themselves with women, for they are virgins. It is these who follow the Lamb wherever he goes. These have been redeemed from mankind as firstfruits for God and the Lamb, and in their mouth no lie was found, for they are blameless.
(Revelation 14:1-5 ESV)

Because the Beatles are fantastic...

Eleanor Rigby is about as serious and direct as the Beatles get with their work. You can hear the hopelessness and questioning, yet there are no answers given. The song ends abruptly with no no conclusion.

                                       All the lonely people... Where do they all come from?

Stating the Obvious

Stating the obvious never makes sense to me, unless of course it is what you need to do for clarification or legal documentation purposes. It seems so devoid of thought- of the intellectual ability that God gave us when he created our minds. So often conversation with others seems to revolve around what is immediately observable and well, obvious without need for verbal comment. Perhaps it's a manifestation of great amounts of sensing being used. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but personally, I eventually find the lack of something more to be boring and limiting. Why stop at step one when there is so much more?

In my room, which was formerly a theological library and is now a fine art and personal affects storage site, there is a stack of journals from various family members. In these journals, daily happenings are described in the most straightforward, concise way possible. Content includes who came to visit and when, what the weather was like, what birds were sighted that day, who had their birthday, etc. The authors were not elderly when writing, I assure you.

When conversation stalls and people don't know what to talk about it, why not take a leap sometime and instead of talking about the weather, the decor or what you are going to do that week it might be time to take a leap into the unknown and go deeper, to ask what their opinion is on a current happening, why they like something, how something has changed them, what advice they could give on a certain topic etc.  Or maybe just silence could happen? A time for silence, when all fruitful and aimless chatter ceases...

" Silence does not mean dumbness, as speech does not mean chatter. Dumbness does not create solitude and chatter does not create fellowship."  - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Grace

Dear Heart, Soul and Brain,

It is time to remember that God's grace is for the annoying, downright hurtful and inhumane. God's grace covers all. For some reason it is easier for me to extend and remember God's grace in the really difficult situations, to forgive the big things and remember that Christ died on the cross for the murderer and the thief. Yet it's the seemingly smaller things that make it harder for me to recognize  my need to forgive and respond in love, to remember that Christ died for that uncalled for comment, passive aggressive behavior or disrespectful action. I am to be ever transformed by the renewing of my mind and heart through Christ Jesus in me. So this means that right now that I will forgive bossiness, passive aggressiveness, assumptive words and actions and those who act with less than genuine motive. I will not respond in kind. I will forgive and pray for them, remembering all that Christ forgave me. I will lay these things before the cross where Christ's blood covers all - yesterday, today and tomorrow. 

• ...bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

 Colossians 3:13 

Out of the Comfort Zone

Journal Entry 10/4/12

"Today while waiting for the bus I watched a homeless man dig through the trash looking for food. He was pretty unsuccessful in this endeavor and approached me, asking for fare money. I offered him half a bag of almonds I had in my purse, which he took and immediately started devouring, but I could have done so much more. I could have looked him in the eye, started a conversation and treated him like a respectable human being. I could have asked if I could pray for him or offered to buy him lunch. Why was I so uncomfortable? Really it boils down to fear- fear of not knowing what to say, fear of my physical safety being endangered and fear of awkwardness. But why should I be afraid? I have God to trust for all guidance, leading and protection. Awkwardness, that silly English word and concept that doesn't exist in so many languages or cultures... Help me to do better next time Father."

From Whence You Came

My teacher strongly believes in the importance of understanding your heritage. He points to the walls of his studio that are covered with myriads of signed photos displaying the legends of the violin and classical music world for the past two centuries and impresses upon his students the importance of grasping who these people were, what made them great and why we need to pass on their legacies. So much so, that he recently gave me a book about his teacher with an inscription which read: "May this book help you trace from whence you came. You are now a direct descendant of my musical father, Mr. Gingold." Understanding history in all areas of life is a treasure that is often neglected. It is important to know the past, because it is one of two major facets that shape the present and the future. It gives rise to vision, foresight and understanding the present moment. It is useful as long as information is used and not merely recounted.

I spent Memorial Day weekend with my aunt and grandparents in a tiny town that is rich with generations of family history. I learned much over this weekend while listening to stories and observing familial dynamics. One small piece of trivia I learned is that my great great grandfather was a U.S. Senator.

I was also reminded that I have always been a very determined person that sees roadblocks merely as obstacles and takes on the big, difficult things.

Why does any of this matter? I understood myself better as a result of those three days and have a clearer picture of who I am, who I want to become and how to get there. I understand why it has been harder for me to connect with some members of my family than others and was able to rejoice in a beautiful example of marriage built on Christ and love chosen for 60 years. My grandma has dementia and needs constant care, which my 89 year old grandpa gives selflessly and with great sensitivity. One day, a visitor remarked, “she is blessed to have you" to which my normally composed grandpa replied with a hint of surprise and tearyness, " I've been blessed to have her all these years."

To jump in another, yet correlated direction....

I think this same concept applies to the realm of spiritual things. What spiritual influences (principles, ideas, people, etc.)  have shaped us? What is our spiritual heritage from our ancestors in the church? What is our spiritual inheritance?  (That one is more clear cut and readily available in scripture.) As we move forward in our lives, what kind of spiritual legacy do we want to leave and how will we carry it out?

The Light Has Come

Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Blogging is the last thing I should be doing right now. With so much to do, I've been pulling 10-14 hour work days these past few weeks, but tonight is an evening of catching up on life essentials and, as I realized late this afternoon, it is Good Friday. That is how out of touch I have been with the outside world. I didn't realize this is Easter weekend until today when I saw a pamphlet for an Easter service and found a chocolate rabbit in my mail box.

Tonight I am reflecting on what Christ has done for us- all of us. I am rejoicing that he has taken our sin and shame and has given us bright hope for today and tomorrow. The past few days have been a bit somber for me. I learned yesterday that an old friend of mine unexpectedly lost her brother on Wednesday. He was a junior at Taylor University, where I spent the first two years of my undergrad. His sister, Molly, is a wonderful woman and my heart goes out to her and all those who knew her brother Josh. This is especially difficult for this university community as it is so small and comes on the heels of another tragic loss. In the spring of 2006, four students and one staff member were killed in a car accident. For months the identity of two students was mistaken and many had to relive the horror of finding out that their loved one was actually dead. The death of Christ that we celebrate this weekend gives us comfort, strength, joy and new life. For Josh Larkin, his time on earth has come to an end, but his life in heaven is just beginning. Christ, the light of the  world has brought eternal life within our grasp. Christ is the light at the end of the tunnel and in the midst of it. Praise God!


Star Tribune: http://www.startribune.com/local/west/146419175.html


Lyrics to The Light Will Come by Phil Wickham


To the one with the wounded heart
The years fighting have left you scarred
Wait the light will come
To the one with the distant eyes
All this crying has left you dry
Wait the light will come
Wait the light will come
Lift your eyes
The sun has overcome the night
Come alive
As we shine in loves true light


Here is laughter beyond the tears
Here is courage to face your fears
Look the light has come
So rise you daughters and stand you sons
Claim the victory that Jesus won
Look the Light has come
Look the Light has come