Love

"I assume that people are like me- wanting to chase after truth and growth, wanting to slosh through the hard things and come out on the other side stronger and more beautiful. People cling to comfort - I get it I hide there myself, but God doesn't let me stay in comfortable places long. He's always pushing me, keeping me on my toes."

And so it goes...

Love- a word with so many connotations, meanings and profound depth.  A word that God has been teaching me about in a new way during this odd season of my life. A word that God has been using to challenge and refine me.

It's been hitting me from several angles since Christmas. For now I will largely focus on the fruit of the spirit aspect (Paul's focus). In practicality, what does love the outpouring of love look like? Love is a verb and it is meaningless unless it does something. God is love and this love not only died for us, but with us. Our sin, our flesh was crucified with Christ. We are crucified daily. Love is born out of crucifixion and receiving God, receiving love daily, hourly. God has been showing me how deep, how vast his love is. I've been letting that sink in, letting that become part of the fibers of my soul. You cannot give love that you do not have and God is love, the mother source.

Another part of this season has included watching people that are very dear to me hurt, self inflict and flounder. I've had to watch, unable to fix it, not knowing how to help, surrendering that it's not my job or within my power to make it better.

I have been tempted to distance myself, to pull away and not walk the messy walk of love, but instead I have been crying out for wisdom and love. Something along the lines of, "Oh God, show me what it means to see your love break every yoke. Show me how to love _____ back to wholeness without judgement or criticism."


Love 
                                                Is patient                                                                                  Is kind
                                                                                                       Hopes all things
Believes all things 
                                                                           Suffers
                                 Never fails 
                                                                                                                Is not selfish
                                                                 Bears all things

Keeps no record of wrong


                                                               Endures 

Each word is hard to swallow when you really think about it as more than a platitude.

Love doesn't retreat. It doesn't back away when things get tough. It doesn't hide in it's selfishly spun cocoon of protection. It doesn't lose sight of God's plan to restore and heal. "A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

Sometimes it aches with others. Sometimes it aches because of others. " Love bears all things..."
1 Corinth 13:7

Sometimes it says nothing and intercedes before the throne of God: "Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter."  Proverbs 24:11

Sometimes it wounds. " Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of the enemy."  Proverbs 27:6

It's always our charge. " Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."  John 15:12

It's easy to react instead of act- to pull away knowing that human nature is to take advantage of unconditional love and deposit the unconditional lover on shelf B or discard, because people know it will always be there for them to come back to. It's easy to give up. It's easy to become discouraged. It's easy to choose the path of least resistance and not suffer with Christ as we crucify our sin nature situation by situation. All this for a friend or family member? That's great. Now, what about a stranger? A colleague? New level, right?

I spent my morning picking up trash. It was the culmination of a sermon series about love at a church that I was visiting. Without telling the church in advance, everyone was apportioned into groups that set out to serve and I was assigned trash. It was not glamorous. I wish I could say that my group came in contact with people that we were able to pray for or share about Christ with, but it didn't happen. There were no exciting feelings after spending an hour picking up cigarette butts, no great stories to tell. Does it matter if anyone notices what we were doing and connects the dots? Love is hard. Love is messy. Love often goes unnoticed, but it's beautiful and... not optional.

May my love be with all of you in Christ Jesus. Amen.
1 Corinthians 16:24

Thank You for the Manna. Right Here. Right Now.

Thank you for the manna. Thank you for your provision and love today. Thank you for how you know just what I need and that you do not withhold.

A friend recently brought up manna- the bread-like substance that literally translates as "What is it?" that God gave the Israelites each day for 40 years in the wilderness before arriving in the promised land. I am out of school and freelancing right now and though I am overwhelmed (in a good way) with the amount of work I've been offered, the lifestyle and the content of what I am doing are not what I want long term. There are pros and cons, but all in all, what I'm doing right now mostly feels like a static survival option, like I'm not pushing forward toward something better. I'm not used to this state and I can find myself grumbling like the Israelites in the desert. I want better, I want tastier. I want. I want. It took 40 years, but what was on the other end? The promised land flowing with milk and honey. In the mean time God rained down nourishment for every dietary need. If this manna substance was the bulk of their diet, it had to be nourishing. God intentionally sent down a nutritious, life- sustaining substance. He provided for their needs. Was it bland? Probably. (Or maybe it was delicious, but repetitive eating made it feel ordinary and unwelcome).  Did it get old? Most definitely. That's not the point. God provided and he was not without a plan at any point or in any respect. He built reliance and trust in His people. He brought them closer to Him and when the time was right, he showered bigger blessings on them and allowed them to enjoy with heightened appreciation.

Life is not an emergency. Wherever you are, be all there. 

This is another phrase I have been preaching to myself and have now hung on my wall. Do not miss the moment, the lessons that God has for you now. I don't want to miss what God has for me during this time of manna. Forty years of manna. Forty years of loving nourishment and being drawn closer to God. What could be better? I could list all the frustrating aspects of what I do, but instead I will write about how God is blessing me as I gather the manna.

1. I'm thankful for my time cleaning alone in a house for a few hours with no one around. It's great solitude and a time to turn on some music or catch up on phone calls before the kids get home from school.

2. I miss my dog Clover and really want a dog so hanging out with the cuddly and spunky Elsie is therapeutic and a joy. I get paid to play with a cute dog. Not bad.

3. I'm thankful for the opportunity to pour into the lives of my students and kids I babysit. One has an over bearing mother that visibly stresses them out, some barely see their parents, some struggle with navigating life without being taught basic life skills or being disciplined, some have self confidence issues or learning disabilities etc. I have the opportunity to speak truth into these lives, show love, encourage and at times be that listening ear. I'm thankful for those moments when I get to be more than a violin teacher or babysitter.

4. I'm thankful for the way my student Satyan's eyes light up whenever he hears me play the violin. It's magical.

5. I'm thankful for those late night chats with colleagues while speeding home that sometimes turn personal and spiritual.

6. I'm thankful for the experiences that I have performing with and watching world class inspirational artists.

7. I'm thankful for the mentors I have in this city that believe in me and are ready to help me improve and succeed.

8. I'm thankful for my two great roommates who make me laugh and bake delicious cookies.

9. I'm thankful for the fact that I can support myself and right now am not worried about how I will feed myself or pay rent next month.

10. I'm thankful for the beautiful views while driving to work. The Ohio Valley with changing leaves is gorgeous. Sunsets... The sun falling on the leaves...

11. I'm thankful for hearing Beautiful Savior chime from a nearby church as I arrived at the school I teach at today.

Thank you for the manna. 

You hem me in behind and before. 

A Taste of the Incredible Journey

I recently returned from an incredible six week journey in Central America and have many words to write- to pour from my mind and soul, but for now there is simply no time. For now, this thank you letter will have to do- to give a small glimpse of what went on. 

Dear ______ Sponsor, 

         I write to you still in a state of processing what happened these past six weeks, what it means for my future and for the future of others. I applied to ______ for many reasons, but one foundational reason was that I hoped to find clarity in how to execute and connect with resources that would help further my large picture vision of combating poverty and human trafficking through music. My experiences and the relationships built these past few weeks did this. Though I can’t articulate the specifics of how my vision will come to fruition, I know that I have gained insight and inspiration. I have met incredible people, many of whom are carrying out similar visions. These are people I will stay in contact with, observe and learn from- they will be rich resources for years to come. 

         There are many images and beautiful moments that I won’t forget. One evening after a fledgling Panamanian string orchestra performed for us, my coach, Leon Spierer shared that there are many ways to give a gift. This stuck with me and I was reminded of it every time we performed for audiences that had never had the opportunity to hear an orchestra or we were welcomed with music, cultural dancing, food or open arms. It was truly special to be part of the first ever symphony performance in Belize. I won’t forget the faces of children who sat feet from the orchestra, staring intently, faces aglow telling how they had been transported to another world or the students who were largely self- taught so hungry for knowledge that they asked to continue working on dry technique even after an hour and a half. Forever imprinted on my mind are the images of weariness and desperation that poverty brings and the boundless joy that radiated from the orchestra as twenty-five different flags were raised and the audience joined in music making and dance. People call ______ a family and it truly is. As time went on, a sense of unity and purpose continually brought us closer together. It was beautiful to see so many different personalities, cultures and ages unite in friendship. 

         My vision is to bring change and it was a blessing to be a part of this through teaching the next generation and bringing beauty and inspiration to communities less exposed to other cultures and influences such as classical music. I went to bring change, but more than anything this trip changed me. I normally choose my relationships with care and often mentally write off the possibility of deeper relationship with many people, but this tour helped me grow in embracing the good and potential in everyone and meeting each person where they were at. It furthered my ability to remain open to everything and live in the moment. I have tucked away these memories and will treasure them for many years to come. I cannot thank you enough for your support that allowed me to be part of such an incredible journey. 

Many thanks again, 

                   

Violin, United States 

Sponsorship?

Four years ago, my dear friend and I decided to co-sponsor a child. Time has flown and honestly, though we as sponsors wish for more of a relationship with our child who is not so much a child as a girl on the cusp of womanhood, we realize that the current state of our relationship exists largely due to us. Living in different states and different countries while each spinning numerous plates has resulted in sporadic, hurried communication that has often lacked intentionality and depth.  It's been all we can do to keep track of and be financially able to make the payments that have sometimes backed up for months at a time. When the letters come, they sometimes read so generically that we wonder if she receives ours or writes her own. But when I flip the letters over, without fail, I find a beautiful drawing in consistent Eliana style. In spite of all the success stories you  hear on Sunday mornings we wonder if we are truly making a difference. We wonder if this is THE ministry that God has called us to when there are so many others vying for our limited resources. When it truly hurts to give, we wonder if we can continue- if we should.

Over the past few weeks the specific organization that I sponsor through has come across my path three times. First, there was a lengthy presentation in church with more specifics and personal stories than I am used to hearing followed by this blog post that fell in my lap.
http://margaretfeinberg.com/5-things-your-sponsored-child-can-never-tell-you/

In all honesty, the first point struck me the most. I knew these children were poor, but not the poorest of the poor- or to the extent the numbers show.

The other points were not fresh to me, but were a reminder of how plush my life is compared to so many people around the globe. As a young teenager, I mailed a $1 bill to our sponsored child in Ethiopia as a Christmas present. I knew that you weren't supposed to send money directly, but I figured that the amount was so insignificant it wouldn't be a problem. A town meeting was held and it was decided that the family would keep the money to buy a chicken. The eggs that chicken laid were sold and with time bought shoes for the whole family. I had given that family a major economic boost. $1- it's staggering to think what so little of what I have can do. That skipped latte could buy three chickens.

So we wonder, does this sponsorship thing work? Does it truly, generally result in impact-full change across the board or are the success stories an exception? Are the results inflated? I brought in the mail and on the cover was this story. Yes, according to the numbers from an economic stand point it really does work.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2013/june/want-to-change-world-sponsor-child.html

Today, I wondered how I could make a change in this current scenario. I asked myself how I could better build relationship. How could I better mentor this young woman in Ecuador thousands of miles away? The pen is mightier than the sword and prayer mightier than the pen.
                       
                                                                         Eliana 

Commencement: Stepping into the New

Seven years of university study has left me ready to take a break from school and enter the work force full time. I’ve been so blessed to be able to study at three different reputable institutions that have endowed me with an education not only in my area of study, but across other disciplines. Most importantly, I have further developed my ability to write, research, think critically and teach myself. These skills will serve me well in any vein I pursue. I've also learned to approach all weaknesses the same way I've successfully approached others- calmly, rationally, methodically and with fervor. I've learned that my insecurities and lack of trust in myself and my abilities has been one of the biggest things that has held me back. The pronouncements that I and others have spoken over myself  about my weaknesses only hold value in identifying what needs to be worked on and overcome. They are not facts that should or will exist forever. I am a work in progress. For twenty years I have been building on my strengths and improving my weaknesses. Why should any one weakness be termed impossible? Why should I just accept that I am bad in a certain aspect when improving is the nature of what I gravitate toward professionally and personally? My innate stubbornness and persistence when channeled in the right way makes me a force to be reckoned with. I have had to shift my thinking about certain things before I could start to even improve. I am not naive and understand just how much more there is to learn- to accomplish. I know what a truly solid education is- think a traditional, rigorous classical education. Though I am now called a Master, the more I learn, the more ignorant I feel, though it is said that this is a sign of wisdom.

During our commencement ceremony, a friend of mine mentioned in her speech that success and failure are both transitory and should not be treated differently. We must embrace our failures, learning from them and moving forward, just as we should embrace our successes, learning from them and moving forward. So for now, I celebrate, looking back on two years of blood, sweat and tears. These past two years stretched me in certain areas more than I have ever been stretched before, but I grew and finished well in every area, stronger than when I started. I believe that one semester of studying with my current teacher was the equivalent of my four years of undergraduate study. I am talking about my private lessons and of course not the rest of the academia or other parts of the university experience. Something I told my teacher recently was that even though I knew I wanted to study with him when we met on audition day, what I didn’t anticipate was that I would gain a mentor who cared so deeply, taught holistically  and would guide me beyond my years studying with him. Today, I understand more than ever how difficult the field I am in is and how much there is to be done, but also more than ever, the relevance, power and importance of what I am doing. 

What exactly that is will follow shortly, but for now, I celebrate and praise God for His providence, guiding hand, blessings and sustaining mercies that are new every morning. As I embark on a new chapter, that is thought of in the eyes of the world as insecure, not very profitable and seemingly frivolous ( I was asked yesterday if playing the violin is work- it's hard to believe, but true...), I am charged with this reminder while pursuing what God has placed before me: 

"Go sell what you have, give to the poor, and come follow me. That is, stop coveting wealth and security. Instead, start resting in the goodness of God alone. Stop letting your love of status and power and ease make you callous to the poor. The issue in your life is a failure to see and enjoy how good God is." 

Sung Into Existence

This is beautiful and interesting- thinking of music as a piece of your identity- a unique descriptor as much as your name is- as a way to call you back to who you are truly intended  to be (your " inner- most song"). Aside from the focus on self, implying that humans are inherently good and all we need is to be in touch with ourselves (whatever that practically means), I find this to be largely true. We all have a song- figuratively, and using music to communicate this, rather than words that put desires, characteristics and giftings down on a page in black ink is just another way to convey or represent this. On another note, what implications does this have for how this culture would approach abortion if a child's birthday is the day its song was first sung and it was conceived? I wonder, do these songs have words or are they strictly pitch and rhythm?

"There is a tribe in Africa where the birth of a child is not counted from when they’ve been born, nor from when they are conceived, but from the day that the child was a thought in the mother’s mind.

And when a woman decides she will have a child, she goes off and sits under a tree by herself, and she listens until she can hear the song of the child that wants to come. And after she’s heard the song, she comes back to the man who will be the child’s father, and teaches it to him. And then, when they make love and physically conceive the child, some of that time they sing the song of the child, as a way to invite it.

And then when the mother is pregnant, she teaches that child’s song to the midwives and the old women of the village, so that when the child is born, the women and the people around her sing the child’s song to welcome it. And then, as the child grows up, the other villagers are taught the child’s song. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song. Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

In the African tribe there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life, the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them. The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity.

When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another. A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused. If you do not give your song a voice, you will feel lost, alone and confused. If you express it, you will come to life.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t.

In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home."

~A Child's Song from Wisdom of the Heart by Alan Cohen

How!???! Make it stop!

In a moment of utter awe and exasperation, I am taking a two minute break to start what will be a highly entertaining document. I'm an in awe of my clumsiness and how frequently ridiculous things happen. Just now, I was innocently sipping coffee and it managed to leap from the minuscule hole into my eye, all over my face, and on my shirt and pants. That's right. I barely moved and I have coffee and soy milk in my eye. I have decided to document any special moments for the next week or so. Just a few highlights that I can remember from the past few days:
 

• Slipping as I dodged out of the shower at 6:50 AM on Monday morning to the sound of the smoke alarm and scent of toxic, burning oatmeal and clouds of smoke. It usually takes about 8 minutes to cook. wow. This should not have happened.

• Finding a mysterious bruise on the back of my arm yesterday. 

•  Getting tangled in the frame of a door with a music stand, which resulted in the stand assaulting my leg and a large, painful bruise. 

• Almost toppling down the stairs today on my way to school.

Just wait for it... This list should develop quite rapidly and should be good. You never know what oddity I will experience. Also, I've concluded that about every two weeks the birds conspire and decide to make my car their depository. This has been happening for a few months. in different locations. Really? I could also write about all the friends we try to keep out of our apartment... The cats, the raccoon, wasps, the large ant infestations... I've yet to see a squirrel. Like I said, just wait for it.


Coming next... My eucharisteo list.